Caring for one another as we age requires modifying and remaining aware of our spouse’s needs. It’s not always easy to admit our changing needs. Older bodies require extra attention, diets may have to be modified, and sleep patterns definitely become problematic for many couples. How can we stay tuned into the needs of our spouse while dealing with our own aging changes? As with most things marriage-related, communication is key. Communication and setting aside our pride. It can be difficult to admit we need help or can’t do something we used to do with vigor. Let’s walk through some considerations and conversations to have with the one we share our lives with.
Is there anything you’re struggling with that I can help with? This is a good opening question. No blame, no demeaning or embarrassing issues tossed out first. We can sit with our spouse over coffee and take stock of how things are going and where we might be able to help one another. This is a good first-level approach.
I’ve noticed ____, can I help you in any way? Here’s another question that is respectful of your spouse’s pride but soft shoes into what might be a tough conversation. My husband and I have had a couple of conversations along these lines with varying degrees of success. Both of us have been very independent and capable and it’s been hard to admit some things aren’t the same as they were when we were young, and they won’t ever be that way again. So far, if it got too touchy, we let the conversation drop and approached the issue again later.
Over the last two or three years, we’ve made adjustments to some routines and even furniture. For example, we bought a bed that allowed each of us to independently adjust the head and foot height to accommodate back aches and allergies. That small accommodation changed our sleeping routines and allowed both of us to get better rest. In other matters, like overseas travel, we’re discussing how to continue to do the things we enjoy but with somewhat different approaches based on changing health and physical abilities. The heavy-duty tours with hours of walking and bus rides may not be our first choice anymore.
Bottom line - it’s ok and necessary to make adjustments as we age.
What if our spouse has a need they won’t admit? This one is tough. In some cases, where others aren’t affected or endangered, it may simply be a matter of approaching it periodically until they are ready to admit they need some assistance. It’s not ideal and can be difficult to watch but most of us want to respect our spouse’s wishes. We can approach them gently and lovingly over time.
Occasionally, something happens that requires intervention. Driving is one that comes to mind. When I was in my early thirties, I had the experience of seeing an elderly gentleman hit a road construction worker without slowing down. He clearly didn’t see her, hit her at the center point of his bumper, tossed her over his vehicle and off to the side of the road, then drove on. When the other road crew members caught up to him and waved him to the side of the road, he didn’t realize he had hit someone. This extreme example teaches a sobering real-life lesson. Sometimes we must intervene whether pride is hurt, or not. In this case, the young lady lived. She had injuries and was hospitalized, but survived. That is not always the case.
Perhaps, one of the best things we can do in our married life is to have some tough conversations early and talk about preferences and concerns in cases where our care becomes difficult or we become unsafe to others. Most of us certainly would not want to endanger others and might encourage spouses or children to go ahead and make some difficult decisions for us in certain situations. In the example I shared above, the gentleman lost his driving privileges after the incident but he clearly should not have been driving at that point. Think ahead and give your spouse and other family members the comfort of knowing that you desire to be safe, keep others safe, and give them permission to talk to you about concerns.
Anticipate and adjust are the words I’ll leave you with today. If we live to life expectancy, almost all of us will have some level of physical and/or mental deterioration. Anticipating these changes and adjusting our lives accordingly is not a weakness or failure. It is accepting responsibility for ourselves, our spouses, and others in our community. Because I sat on the side of the road with an unconscious young lady until the ambulance arrived, I have a different perspective on elderly driving than I might. You may have had other experiences that shape your thoughts about how you will age. I encourage us all to be aware of changing needs of our spouses and selves, then act responsibly for the benefit of all. Simple changes may give us a better quality of life while other, more serious changes, may save lives.